* Reverend Ramona *

Dog Snuggie

2009-08-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

I had to see it to believe it!

Lovely

2009-07-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

I would love one of these Redi Set Go all-purpose kitchen machines, that cooks 2 meals at once. And I just love Cathy Mitchell, have for years and years... I wish she was my Mom.

Ask and Ye Will Receive (well, maybe)

2009-07-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you know I had this brilliant idea inspired by those little tree-shaped pieces of cardboard that dangle from the car mirror, you know the kind... they smell like stuff.

Well, I saw they have a pleasing purple-colored tree that smells like Mulberry Fig, a real and true combo. When I saw that, I got to thinking of those great fig bars you can get at better Dollar Stores near you, and an idea was born. I did a little homework and wrote the company - Daddy Ray's - a letter. The guy in charge is named Dave, and here is my letter to him:

Dear Dave,

My name is Ramona and I had a question for all y'all. I am a huge fan of the Daddy Ray snack foods, specifically the fig cookies. Not only do I appreciate the fact that they are made with real fruit, but I enjoy it a lot that each package has 1 and a half pounds of cookies inside. This makes it a very good value.

My question is, do you have any plans to introduce a Mulberry Fig cookie? I know this is a popular flavor in the scented tree air fresheners, and I thought it would be a super great idea for a cookie. Most people would take this idea to Nabisco, but I don't buy those cookies, so I thought I would inquire here first.

Thanks for your time and for your company's commitment to such a grand product. Give my regards to Daddy Ray, if you can.

Yours truly,
Ramona

Well, very quickly, I received this personal reply, from Dave himself!

Dear Ramona, thank you for taking the time to write us here at Daddy Ray's. We always appreciate receiving comments from our consumers, especially those of a positive nature. In regards to your question, currently we do not have plans to create another flavor in our line-up of products. I will pass your e-mail on to our R&D people to have them look in to the additional flavor of Mulberry.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to write us. Should you have any additional comments, please feel free to e-mail us again.

Sincerely,
David [Last Name deleted]
Daddy Ray's Director of Sales

So, if some day you are shopping at your neigborhood area Dollar Store and you see a package of Mulberry Fig cookies, you just remember who started the movement to get them in the first place!

Sexy MF

Betty Butterfield: The Exorcist

2009-07-09T09:54:00.001-07:00

Joyce Drake: The True Hollywood Story

2009-07-09T05:56:00.000-07:00

Joyce is coming again!

I just heard a juicy rumor that music superstar Joyce Drake is going to be the subject of a wildly hot tell-all unauthorized biography of her roller coaster life, as well as what can only be called her red-hot stint in the music business.

We all remember Joyce's biggest hit, "I Get All Excited," the tune that was so good, they only gave us 48 seconds of it. Yet we were still hooked on the Joyce phenomenon!

My secret spywitness has told me one of the hottest stories from the book is how diva Joyce, high on her own explosive success, canned the other 4 members of "The Singing Drakes" quintet, so obsessed was she about being a solo superstar. Who could blame her. The other four jilted members were so understandably upset about all of this, they have shared many a tawdry tale about Joyce for the book. I am so looking forward to the tell-all, I "got all excited."

As part of the all-out promotional blitz for the Joyce tell-all,
the other four members of the would-be group have hit the publicity trail.
This photo just turned up on AwkwardFamilyPhotos today. Talk about a scoop!

Betty Butterfield: LIVE!

2009-07-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

How fabulous is this?? I can hardly wait! I just hope it's released on VHS, too.

Hot

2009-07-06T06:55:00.000-07:00

It's going to be hot again today. I don't know how I'm going to stand it. What do all y'all do when the heat gets hot? I need some suggestions. I can't go to the mall to wallow in the a/c, since they kicked me out and told me not to come back.

It's going to be a big one...

The Flowbee

2009-07-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

After I tweeted about the wonderful Flowbee, I checked the Google and saw they have a website, called Flowbee.com. It's truly a wonderful invention. Before my ex threw mine out of a moving El Camino, I used to give cuts to myself and all the gals at the M tel.

Just look at this glowing testimonial I found on the site, if you disbelieve my tale:

"From: David

My name is Dave. I have had my Flowbee since they first came out 9-10 years. People always ask me who cut my hair & when I tell them I use a Flowbee some don't even know what i am talking about. So I have educted a few of them a handed out a couple harriet carter catalogs for them to buy there own. I jus bought my second one just in case my first one breaks down. Though it has never happened yet.

Thank you for the great product"

Wow. If I wasn't educted before, I jus was.

Even this stylish Glenn Close
look-a-like uses the Flowbee to keep
herself looking hip and pretty.

We Remember

2009-06-25T16:53:00.001-07:00

The Rosie O'Donnell Radio Show

2009-06-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

Just when you think there isn't any new Rosie O'Donnell news, along comes a statement that she's going to be doing a 2-hour talk show for Sirius satellite radio network starting this October. Plus, she hinted on her blog that "JaHeRo" - Janette (Barber, producer), Helene (Maculay, hair guru, director & all around cool person), and Rosie herself - will be back.

I am excited by this news, and it's a little daunting too, since she'll be appearing on a subscription service that I have never used. It looks a little pricey, but I have from now until October to have little yard sales here and there to get myself subscribed to the service and get the radio to play it on. This is all so new and so 2007 (as opposed to 1985, where my brain is still currently idling)... I just can't wrap my mind around it all.

Anyhow, congrats to Rosie! Can't wait.

"Live from Rosie's backyard...."

Rosie O'Donnell at the Fashion Bug

2009-06-23T23:00:00.000-07:00

I am feeling really censored right now. I asked Rosie O'Donnell on the "Ask Ro" feature of her lovely website: "What is up with all this Fashion Bug shit I keep hearing about? I didn't even know that store was still around. Are these people on crack? Crack is wack."

I hit SUBMIT and this is what flew up in my everloving face:

Sorry, your question contains objectionable
content and has been rejected.

It was in response to these:

#1

bl Writes:

Try to deny what you said this weekend to that lady at Fashion Bug in Wichita on Monday. That was just RUDE! She said u demanded not only a "celebrity discount" but then said "do U know who I AM!??"

Rosie replies:

well i so often shop in wichata with the lineman and everyone knows i am a fashion fox not a bug WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

bonny Writes:

What u said in Wichita at Fashion Bug this weekend is horrid. U said u deserve a "celebrity discount" and then threw out "Do U know who I am!? A star of stage and screen!" VERY UNcool!! Booooo!

Rosie replies:

wichata as in kansas? for gods sake woman i am in miami and i dont shop at anyplace with the word bug in the name

Never fear, I still like you Rosie. By the way, BONNY... if this happened on Monday, how could it have happened this weekend? See what I mean? I don't mean to imply that you're a liar, but you seem to be a fucking liar.

Now hiring

I Miss Tammy Faye!

2009-06-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

I found this on the RuPaul blog.

Vanna White

2009-06-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

The World's First Spokesmodel:

The Test

2009-06-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

Thank God for Yahoo Answers.

The Cake. The Wedding.

2009-06-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

Remember that cake I told you I got suckered into making? Well, I got someone to answer my Craigslist ad (before it got flagged, thanks asshole(s)!) and wore my sexiest square dancing outfit, and hauled all my cake stuff over to this guy's joint. It was a real dump, but at least the oven worked. Of course, since I had posted my ad in the "Casual Encounters" section, he was all about getting down to business. I took my time mixing up my batters and pouring them into the pan. Inexplicably, he had several Wilton cake pans shaped like "Sesame Street" muppets, so I trashed my original idea and decided to make this wedding cake a true work of art.

Well, I did not realize the guy's wife (wife?) had put her stash of Little Debbie snack foods in the oven, to keep her husband from finding out she was cheating on her diet. Luckily, the boxes and wrappers had burst into flames before he and I had hit the sheets, so no adultery had taken place (except in his cheating heart). While he was trying to coax me into the bedroom (like I can be wooed by velvet sheets), I had to find a way to get all of those burning oatmeal cakes and Swiss cake rolls out of there. His tongs were too big, so I ended up knocking the oven rack loose, and all my pans flipped, causing the batter to slide out onto the bottom of the oven.

I was able to rescue enough of the Little Debbies, so I came up with a new plan, kind of like Paula Deen does when she's short a few sticks of butter. I laid out snacks in a kind of circular pattern and gave each mound a generous icing with my Albertson's store brand whipped topping. The Craigslist guy had been dipping scorched Cosmic Brownies into one of them, so I came up short. Then his wife came home abruptly from her all-night Bingo marathon and all hell broke loose.

Needless to say, without a cake to present to my stripper friend, I had to come up with a Plan B. So I told her that I saw her fiance out peeking in Betty Nut's bedroom window the night before, and she left him at the altar. It was a win-win-win situation in the end. I didn't have to worry about the cake, my stripper pal is happier being single, and her fiance confessed that he really did have a thing for Betty Nut. She's like 87.

Gross.

This is the gift I bought. Now I'm out $4, because the guy at
the flea market doesn't give refunds.

Lovely

2009-06-11T18:21:00.001-07:00

I confess I have no idea whatever happened to my stepsister, the bitch, but I saw this photo tonight on World of Wonder and I'm going to assume it's her.

It makes me happy. And not just because the pillows, couch, curtains and both halves of that get-up look flammable.

Looking for a man with a big oven

2009-06-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

In times of crisis, don't we all turn to Craigslist? I mean, you need a job, an apartment, a free bed... you post your needs on the Craigslist. After I got volunteered to bake and decorate a 4-level wedding cake for a ceremony this coming Saturday, I ran right out and bought about 6 boxes of SmartValu boxed cake mix (flavor: fudge), which the dollar store always has marked 2 for 1. I thought my biggest obstacle was going to be figuring out what to use as a pan, and just decided to improvise with a deep dish cookie sheet and make several layers. With lots of Cool Whip between every layer, and the entire extravaganza frosted with Cool Whip, I had a pretty good feeling about this.

Today I woke up and realized I am going to have trouble baking this cake because my in-room oven is busted. The Dee-Lite M tel does provide all rentals with a kitchenette, they just don't guarantee that they'll work. Not only is my oven broken, but my wind-up oven timer - imported from Taiwan - sticks at 10 minutes. I have burned more pizza rolls because of this, so I don't want to take any chances with this wedding cake. So I posted this ad on Craigslist:

Hello all you sexy devils out there! I am a MILF without the kids, an older woman you would love to tangle in the sheets with. I don't prowl for "random encounters" much any more since my eggs dried up, but don't think I don't have all the right parts! A little WD-40 on my way out the door and everything will be in tiptop shape, I promise.

Here's what I am looking for, boys. I want a lover with a big oven, and - preferable - some nice pans, a handheld electric mixer (my beaters are bent), and some potholders without holes in 'em. See, I gotta bake a wedding cake for an old stripper friend of mine, and I can't do it at my place. Being a 4-level cake, this sucker's going to take awhile, so we'll have all night to tumble while the oven does it's thing. Sexually, I get into it all, so shoot me a reply and tell me what you're up for.

While I do prefer a hot young man who can go all night, preferential treatment will be given to the stud who has the best appliances. Extra credit if the guy has any baking or cake decorating experience (I don't have any, so even if your skills are limited, I'm still interested). Let's bake boys, or if you're a lesbian with a Paula Deen fetish, I am up for that too. (I'll bring the wig and the butter.) Friday night only! This sucker's got to be fresh!

Wish me luck!

How many tubs of this will I need
to frost (and fill) 4 levels of cake?

Best Song Ever

2009-06-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

for #musicmonday on Twitter:

Celebrity Twitter: Suze Orman

2009-06-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, my all time favorite Oprah guest (except for the 2 bickering sisters who bellyached about their respective Christmas gifts), is not only on Twitter, but she replies back! Check this out:

When I asked if they had snacks for the guest stars when they appear on talk shows, she replied: "YES they have food in a green room- but no one does it better than OPRAH"

When I commented that the audio tweet gizmo she was using was "cool," she replied: "I know"

When I asked people to follow her on Follow Friday, I said: "Follow Friday - @SuzeOrmanShow - the nicest famous person on Twitter. If this isn't true, I'll put all my money into Sony Betamax stock." Suze Orman herself replied back with: "NOT SURE YOU SHOULD DO THAT_ but hey thank you so much- I AM NICE_ even if I smack you down- it is with love"

I just know you want to follow Suze Orman on Twitter!

No more brain pain!

2009-06-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

Now if I could only find an As Seen on TV product to keep me from smashing the back of my head on the stick-out shelf above my toilet. Talk about brain pain!

They truly are for any special occasion! My cousin Juliet wore two (and her seven bridesmaidens each had one) for her 4th opposite marriage earlier this year.

Celebrity Twitter: Alison Arngrim

2009-06-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

On everyone's favorite TV show of all time, "Little House on the Prairie," Alison Arngrim starred as nasty Nellie Oleson. You know who I'm talking about, the Minnesota bitch who made Joan Collins herself run for the hills (even though there weren't any really real hills on the prairie).

She's on Twitter, so I shot her this query: "Do you still shop at Sears for fashions?" with a link to this fabulous pic scan. Alison replied: "I love that picture! & ironically, yes I do still shop at Sears."

She later commented about her metabolism: "Indeed, I too, once had the metabolism of a hamster. Now, not so much." ...to which I replied: "@Arngrim I think I have the metabolism of a hamper. Filled with wet towels." And she responded: "THAT was brilliant!"

If you follow Alison Arngrim on Twitter, Willie will give you free sour balls during recess.

The Beach

2009-06-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

This reminds me of my aunt. The one they "put away."

What in the name of love?

2009-06-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

I just can't get addicted to this Twitter craze, but I did want to have my blog posts tweeted there. I found this somewhat cool blog service called Twitter Feed that automatically tweets your twitter whenever you update your blog. It's cool. Or was.

In an act of total randominity, I selected a URL shortening service called POP.RL from a list at Twitter Feed. This makes my long blog post link short, so it will fit into the damn tweet. Fine and dandy. Only the service I checked off, turned all my links into these links to a porno site called Cake Farts. I can't even believe it. Here anyone clicking my tweet links gets taken to this site where some skanky-looking chicken bitch climbs up on her Formica countertop and squats down on a real and true Pepperidge Farm cake. You know, the square kind that you get in the freezer case, the kind that the frosting falls off in big hard chunks, like asbestos? Anyhow, this bitch squats on this cake and then does an act of flatulation that totally grossed me out. I mean, really.

So sorry if anyone saw that and thought that was me, or thought I approve of that kind of sickening thing. I mean, that's nothing but a good waste of cake. I'd just hate to find out that someone thought I was a spam queen.

Dear Jesus, what will they come up with next?

What kind of demon is living on Google?

2009-05-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

Check out the evidence, and let me know.

Charity begins at Wal-Mart

2009-05-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

You know what burns me up? Every time I head on over to the local Wal-Mart, there's always a chaingang of twerpy looking teens standing in formation just outside the doors, all lined up with their little coffee cans wrapped in construction paper, asking for a handout.

Hell shit, when I was a kid, we used to have to go door to door and sell crap to earn money when our extracurricular after school clubs needed an infusion of cash. I remember selling candy bars, summer sausage, and cheese that was crammed into a glazed ceramic pot. I probably would have had to sell those Girl Scout cookies too, had the group not voted to kick my ass out after the second week. I think it was three months before my mom knew I'd been eighty-sixed, since I would hang out on the neighbor's back patio and play ping pong with the old lady who lived in the basement.

Oh... and I remember selling that Tom-Wat stuff too, which was basically a collection of dishpans, doorstops and other knickknacks and geegaws that were all dumped into a huge cardboard suitcase that every little grade school salesperson had to lug around. I don't think they do that any more, because you can get all that junk at the Dollar Tree these days.

Anyhow, back to the gals at the Wal-Mart. There I was, just popping in for some of those chicken nuggets that they sell by the pound out of the hot case, and I get harassed by these girls. They were dressed really trashy, but I guess that's the look they were going for. About three of them thrust their cans right into my face and said: "CHOIR. DONATE." I just about had a panic attack on the spot. I waded my way into the store (there was a woman falling out of one of those little golf carts they let people ride around in, so it was a regular obstacle course), got my chicken and came out the other door... and there was a whole clan of them there too. I pushed their cans out of my face and then the whole lot accused me of trying to knock their money all over the ground. Jeeze. If you think I turned around and told those slutty kids to kiss my ass, you're right.

So is it just me, or do all y'all hate being hit up for money outside of your favorite shops? Do you think kids ought to be out earning the money, or do you prefer to support these clubs and sports by putting money into cans? Maybe I'm just a crab.

This is the usual scene at Wal-Mart

Am I a real reverend?

2009-05-14T12:57:00.001-07:00

People sometimes ask me: "Are you a real reverend? A real pastor, minister, she-priest, or wild woman of the cloth?" And what have you.

The latest query about my so-called reverendly credentials came from a Hollywood movie star, and book writer: Ms. Harley Jane Kozak. You may know Ms. Kozak from films like Parenthood, Arachnophobia, and When Harry Met Sally. I think she is most famous for being the only lady who was killed (for real and true) by a giant letter C, which fell from the top of a building. It was tragic, but we'll all get mowed down by something, sooner or later.

Anyhoo, I figured since she asked, I would tell a little bit about my title and my ministry. As far as the Rev. thing goes, YES, I am a real and true Reverend. I went online late one night years ago and got sucked into some "Become a minister online in five minutes!" schemes. Of course it took me longer because my mouse had stuff stuck all over the roller ball on the bottom, so I couldn't click all the buttons very fast.

Once I filled out the questionnaire and clicked the little box that said I would use my new powers for good and not evil, I was able to print out my certificate of ministry, which is suitable for framing. (I just stuck it in a paper folder, which I misplaced.)

Now on to my powers... unfortunately, this online decree did not grant me anything special, like the ability to perform weddings or get out of paying taxes. As far as what I preach, I believe in bitchslapping all hateful bigots who try to use the Bible to make life miserable for the rest of us. You need not worry, the slap is merely an air-slap; I learned my lesson after that one Bible bigot tried to haul my ass onto the "Judge Judy" program.

Lastly, I never hit people up for donations, cash, checks, VISA gift cards, or Nigerian money orders. I figure if you want to give your money to the Lord, you should buy food for hungry people, or buy some tube socks for the poor souls who haven't got any. Let's face it, if you gave me a cash gift like a lot of those preacher people ask for, I'd just blow it on Mad Dog 20/20 or the Little Green Men: Family Reunion slot machine.

So thanks for asking Ms. H.J.K. And all my followers need to run out and get Ms. Kozak's great new book - A Date You Can't Refuse - available now, and buy up all the other ones too. They are real fun.

Keep me away from the Little Green Men!

UPDATE: after I typed all of this out (with one meandering finger, mind you), I realized Ms. Kozak's query came about because she thought I was another Ramona, one that she knows. I never met another Ramona before. Anyhow, I decided to keep this here anyhow, in case anyone else was curious. That's all.

Leslie Hall: What's in my bag?

2009-05-14T09:41:00.001-07:00

It's Leslie Hall, and a big box of Cheez-Its!

Betty Butterfield & Marge do lunch

2009-05-14T05:06:00.001-07:00

I moved!

2009-05-13T07:25:00.001-07:00

I moved my blog from Wordpress to Blogger. Even though I'd had my blog on WP since 2006, I didn't like the new upgrade(s) to their site/software. I was getting tons of spam (comments) and the whole works kept locking up every time I tried to write/edit/upload.

Since I had to re-post everything by hand (nice export feature, Wordpress, not), I didn't move the whole thing, and all the original comments people had left were lost. Hopefully I can start posting more regularly again. Oh, and I'm on Twitter too, @reverendramona.

Thanks for visiting!

x.o.
r.r.

Celebrity Twitter: Kirstie Alley

2009-05-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

I love tweeting celebs on Twitter. They are so nice!

When actress Kirstie Alley was trying to bust Fake Steve Buscemi for being fake, I made this tweet:

"The FakeSteveB is all over the Net acting like his crass trickery's some kind of Art. If that's Art, my dog just shit a Monet."

To which Kirstie Alley replied: "That was HIlarious..re fake Steve buscemi..I all for everyone getting 15 min of fame..just not under the guise of someone else."

Follow Kirstie Alley on Twitter

Overheard....

2009-05-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

"I believe marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman," said my aunt. Or between a woman and three men, in the case of her daughter, who was thrice divorced before the age of 30. This past weekend was Cousin Juliet's FOURTH opposite marriage. Big whoop... and I'm out $13.99 + shipping for the Perfect Pancake.

"Hey, who's he...? I wonder if he'll be single in a year or so..."

Celebrity Twitter: Susan Powter

2009-05-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

I've blogged about Susan Powter before, and know she's nice... so it wasn't a surprise when she tweeted me back on Twitter, when I plugged her for Follow Friday. Me: "yeah! yes! oh yes! uh-HUH! She makes me want to go organic and give up snack foods!"

Her reply? "And you, make me want to start painting everything purple, appreciate it..."

Be sure to follow Susan Powter on Twitter.

Oprah needs a new hairstyle

2009-05-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry to say it, but Oprah's newest look just makes me sick to my stomach. At first I thought it was some bad microwave popcorn I'd eaten, but after a week or two, I knew it was something more serious. She needs an extreme hair makeover. I ran her mug through one of those online makeover machines and found a few hot new looks. I hope she changes things up and throws a little color or pizazz into the mix. I mean, for real.

I think some of these would look real cute on Gayle, too.

Try them on for size, Miss Winfrey!

Celebrity Twitter: Melissa Gilbert

2009-05-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

You all know Melissa Gilbert. Not only was she the most famous TV actress ever, she also has appeared in many many movies, PLUS she was the president of the SAG. That has nothing to do with boobs.

Anyhow, she and her Twitter buddy Kirstie Alley were talking about getting old and posting funny videos, and I chimed in with this:

"ha! here's one of you & Kirstie & Alison Arngrim in 30 years!"

Melissa herself replied back: "@reverendramona nice one"

Thanks! And be sure to follow Melissa Gilbert on Twitter.

Sister Paula's got it going on!

2009-05-03T20:42:00.001-07:00

Man, and she's rocking the Paula Deen look. I love her!

"She doesn't even have a credit card."

2009-04-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

I just heard that Courtney Love is talking gossip about Pam Anderson. Says she:

"Pam Anderson doesn't even have a credit card, and she lives in Paradise Cove — which is in Malibu, but it's a trailer park in Malibu."

Art object rendering of Pam at home...
Courtney had to be cropped out of this pic,
because I couldn't fit the gutter in.

Betty Butterfield on A.A.

2009-03-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

House for sale

2009-03-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

In this bad economy,everyone is unloading their homes at bargain basement prices. Now I know all of you want to own a nice celebrity manse, but if you can't afford the condo that Tila Tequila is being forced to sell, or the deluxe double-wide (with front yard hot tub) that Larry the Cable Guy had to put on the market, my friend (well, not really) The Real Estalker has the Deal of the Day for you to consider:

Caw! Caw! It's a house shaped like a bird!

It's the Aaron Spelling mansion! And I am just going to come out and say it. I think this dump would be perfect for the Octomom and her brood of 28 spawn, and all those nannies, publicists and stylists. I am not just sure if she can afford to rent this place with the monthly housing allotment she gets, so we all just need to come together as Children of the Lord and throw the biggest spaghetti dinner benefit on record. I mean, I want my idea to make the Book of World Wide Records, or at least "Inside ('We'll do it fucking live!') Edition."

And listen up, Dina Lohan! I don’t need you going on Larry King Live and acting like you made up this idea on your own!

Leslie Hall: Craft Talk!

2009-03-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

An American for Truth

2009-02-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

This is an Open Letter to the Americans for the Truth About Homosexuality:

Dear Christian Peoples, blog readers, and others:

Group Tries to Stop Another Hotel ’Orgy’

Now I have been busy shopping at the Dollar Store and going to Tupperware parties and such as, but I need to respond to this type of thing I keep seeing pop up on the “news” here online:

Now what this is, my people, is just a small gang of right-wing “Christians” who have to go after another minority group, now that their poster chick (Sarah Palin) is out of the race and “that Black Guy” is in the White House. Sure, I’ll be the first to admit that some of these gay folks know how to get greasy and party; who doesn’t like a bounce in a sling every so often, to break up the monotony? But who are these American’s for the Truth About Homosexuality’ers trying to fool? I lived and worked in Las Vegas for years and had many-a hotel/motel job, and let me tell you, the straights sluts, skeezers and manly-hos were out and about and doing their dirty deeds too. I mean, pig sex is not exclusive to the homosexuals, is what I am saying.

I can not tell you how many times I had to clean up dozens of dirty condoms after a frat party, or how many broken beds I had to write down on my clipboard, after a pile of boys and girls drunk on PBR busted the damn queen-size. I’m not even going to tell you what was all over the sheets (or the floor, or the wall). Now, when I first got my VCR (in 2001), I finally had a chance to look at all those BETAmax tapes that these college partiers had made in the “privacy” of their hotel rooms (and the hotel fire stairs, the hotel elevators, the roof, etc)… let me tell you, it was sheer porn. I had to look up what “bukake” meant after I kept hearing it over and over, and let me tell you… these were no gays. They were the same guys and gals you see becoming doctors, lawyers and DMV employees five and six years down the road. I mean, I think one of these gals I saw doing the news on TV… look, you just can’t forget a face after you’ve seen it attacked with lust by a baker’s dozen of drunken frat boys.

You want filth, Google “Dirty Sanchez;” I can promise you the gays don’t even get into that.

And don’t even get me started on the puke. Not even a Swifter sheet gets that stuff out of shag carpeting.

Sign me, an ex-hotel worker,
Rev. Ramona

P.S. - Please don’t take this as a condemnation of “heterosexuals” as a whole. This is only to point out that the other 90% of all y’all can get just as dirty as anyone. And as a former hotel room charwoman, let me explain something. We don’t care too much about the “mess” you leave for us to clean up, as long as you leave a few fives (or tens) behind too.

They met in church

If this doesn't bring back memories...

2009-01-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

...I don't know what does!

Liza Minnelli: Down (but not out)

2009-01-20T23:01:00.000-08:00

Not much is known about Liza Minnelli’s “down and out” years, during the weight gain, voice ravaged by swallowing drugs, bad marriages, crippling diseases, exploitation by family, friends and personal assistants, and such as… this footage of Liza during the lean (so to speak) years has recently been uncovered. Was she ever not a powerhouse? Or at least a powderkeg?

I am praying my ass off for Janet Jackson!

2008-11-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

Oh Lord, I keep hearing serious rumors that music/”Diff’rent Strokes” superstar Janet Jackson is in ill health. She’s having to cancel concert appearances and everything. I just worry that maybe it’s something serious, so I have been lifting her up. And not just because I think she could use some new outfits.

Here is a classy clip from an unaired Showtime After Dark performance she did back in 1986:

Sarah Palin dropped another note card

2008-10-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

She’s hitting many rallies, and she often drops stuff when she’s making a run for the helicopter. This card was found on the ground after Gov. Palin took off:

Sarah Palin dropped a note card...

2008-10-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

...on the way in to the debate.

Devestation!

2008-09-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

"My dad was the first person to break the news to me when I came home from an errand this evening. As soon as the news reached my ears, the blood drained from my face and a literal rush of shock surged through my body. My face fell. For a few milliseconds I felt…nothing. Not long after that, I shut myself up in my room and wept silently, my heart breaking. This has all happened during a rough time in my life so that makes it all the more painful for me. I just…I don’t know what to do. I’ll probably never hear the end of it from my dad. Part of me still thinks this is all a dream, yet the whole of me knows it isn’t. I will be withdrawing any financial support of him, as my beliefs do not condone his lifestyle. However, I will continue to pray for him and await further details on the situation."

Another fan’s online reaction to learning that Clay Aiken was gay all along…

The best Sarah Palin video

2008-09-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

Death Rattle: my drama in real life story

2008-08-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today my friend Haiku Sue asked me to come with her to her mother's house. Her mom is dying, which is no fun. To quote the Dead Porn Stars site: “It’s sad, but we all have to go sometime.”

Well, rumors have been floating around that Martha is loaded, and I don’t mean drunk. She has more money than she’d ever know what to do with, and H. Sue figures she’s going to come into a fortune when her Mom finally crosses the River Styx. It’s probably in bad taste to talk about this, but oh well.

So every day or two, Sue jumps in her 1984 Chevrolet El Camino and hauls ass to the house where Martha is living out her last days. I don’t like old people much, but I tend to tag along if I am around when Sue makes the trip, because you never know when there could be a mother/daughter spat and Martha just might end up leaving all of her riches to me… out of spite, you know. It could happen.

Anyhow, earlier today we rode out to the house and popped our head into the bedroom where Martha’s all laid out. I mean, she has that bedroom tricked out: rolling tray, meals on wheels, oxygen tubes, IV bags, TV mounted to the ceiling, magazines, little plastic water pitcher… I mean, if you close your eyes a little, you can practically imagine that you’re standing in a room at Cedars Shine hospital and plastic surgery center out there in Hollywood, California.

When we arrived, Haiku Sue and I were surprised to see she had a visitor, the obese Rev. Butters from the church down the road. I do hate to say the man smells kind of like fish, but he does. And Haiku Sue is kind of worried that he hangs out there to get Martha to sign over all her assets to the church. Land sakes!

So to be polite, Sue and I slinked into the room where Big Butt Butters (that’s her name for him, not mine) was kneeling by the bed and offering a prayer. He said: “I feel Mother Martha’s time has come, my children. Her color is not good. Please kneel with me and join me in a prayer as we see our Sister (wait, I thought she was our Mother?) through our earthly realm and into Heaven’s gates.”

What could we do? Haiku Sue dropped to her knees like a bucket of rocks and kind of flopped like a lizard toward the foot of the bed. She was doubled over and swaying and moaning, so I figured crouching down on the other side of Rev. Butters would be the better bet. I lowered my head in prayer, but cast my eyes upon Martha, who did indeed look pretty scary. Her whole face looked like it had been powdered with light blue sidewalk chalk. Her lips were moving. I tried to reach for the water pitcher, but Rev. Butters pushed my arm back and shushed me. While he was rambling on, I tried to read Martha’s lips, because she was obviously trying to get out her last words, and I knew Haiku Sue was in no shape to take them in.

After about three or four minutes of this, I tapped the minister on the shoulder and he gave me an irritated look. “Can you not see this lovely woman is about to pass on?” I looked that meat puppet dead in the eye and replied thusly:

“She’s trying to tell you that you’re kneeling on her oxygen tube.”

"I love to think about a paradise
Somewhere beyond the blue…."

Ogilvie Home Perm

2008-08-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

I found one of these things from the 80's at a flea market. How do you think it turned out?

Art-object rendering

The Jesus Cheeto

2008-07-31T21:19:00.000-07:00

After hearing about this latest miracle, I felt moved to create this musical tribute to the Lord and his appearance in yet another snack food.

Frankly, I thought it looked more like a map of the interuterine, than the Lord...

The Diary of Leslie Hall

2008-07-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Fake Louis Vuitton bags

2008-07-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

What’s this shit about Louis Vuitton (”The Ugly Purse People”) suing eBay and winning $63 million because they got sore that people were buying and selling phony bags? I can’t even believe it! Do they think everyday folk can afford hundreds and THOUSANDS of dollars on their crummy brown bags? Some of us have to turn to places like eBay and AdequateFakes.com for groovy knockoffs of things we can’t afford.

I just about threw up all over myself when I saw how much L.V. wanted for this little dinky bag called a “Beverly Clutch.” Yes, it was $785. Wow, you could buy a previously owned car or a few TVs for that kind of dough. But if you buy the knockoff brand, you can look just as ugly as the dope who spent almost 8 bills, and still have tons of cash left over to visit a massage parlor or something. I’m just saying. If you don’t believe me, just check out the two pictures below. One is the real and true bag and the other is a $99 knockoff from AdequateFakes.com - can you tell the difference? Hell, me either. At any rate, Louis Vuitton can kiss my broke ass.

Why pay more?

I lost my electric purple wig!

2008-06-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

Oh dear Jesus, earlier today I suffered a tragedy. I’ve been hanging out at the library this week and trying to con my friend Haiku Sue into hiring me part time to stick books back on the shelf and say “hay” to folks and stuff. Anyhow, there was this hot guy lurking around this morning (in the sex books section) and he was checking me out. After about 3 minutes of flirting with me between the open stacks (my head fit quite nicely through the opening), he came around to my side and started dry humping one of those wooden book carts with the wheels on ‘em. Books were flying all over and I was giddy as hell, and then he snapped his fingers and said, “Hey man, come with me and I can make you fly!” Needless to say, we were out the door like a pair of skeeters chasing after the bloodmobile.

I jumped onto the back of his moped and wrapped one arm around his strapping body, and the other held onto my wig (I didn’t lose it yet!). He tore out of there at 7mph and we ended up in some desolate area outside of town. There was a big hole the size of a grave, so I think people have been digging up palm trees again. I thought we were going to make hot passionate love right there in the thicket, when he led me over to one hell of a strange-looking contraption. He called it a “DoodleBug,” and frankly it looked like a cheap lawn chair with no legs and a giant fan on the back.

My stud strapped me in to the thing and I was waiting for something kinky to happen. Instead, he started the motor and the blades on that giant fan started to spin. Before I knew what was happening, he starts screaming: “Run, babe!” I thought there was a snake or a big bug or something, so I – of course – took off on a mad dash. After about three steps, I was jerked upright like a toddler being swooped up… and then I was airborne.

I was hollering at the guy on the ground. “I need a damn helmet! I’m going to crash and burn! How do I land this damn thing?” I was about five feet off the ground and being sucked higher by the second, so the Styrofoam helmet he tried to toss at me hit me in the feet. I was hanging on for such dear life that I couldn’t make sure my beautiful electric purple wig was on tight, so – of course – I felt it torn off my head and sucked into the giant fan. The last I saw of it, it was being blown out into the sky and fluttering around like a bright purple bird (with a lot of long hair). I can’t believe I lost it. It was my one and only true belonging.

Oh, in case you were wondering, I floated around on that damn DoodleBug til the motor started to sputter, and by then I was directly over North Las Vegas. I prayed my ass off some more and held on tight as the rainbow colored parachute above my head brought me down nice and easy… right onto the big sign in front of a gas station. I knocked a couple of the big black numbers off the front of it, so for about three minutes there was a riot at the pumps, since folks thought the gas station was selling six cent gas. Whoops!

Somehow I managed to get unstrapped from the chair and played dumb when the cops showed up. When they asked me if I’d seen anything, I said I thought I saw a “suspicious character” steal a very valuable electric purple wig, and that she would surely appreciate it if they would hunt it down and make it available for pickup at the station. The cop just looked at me funny. Oh well.

Art-object rendering of me hanging on for dear life

Oh dear.

2008-06-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

Death is rough.

Betty Butterfield: Car Insurance

2008-05-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

Clay Aiken fans are in a tizzy...

2008-05-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

...over new test tube baby!

Even though “American Idol” has ground to a halt for another year, I am still getting feed posts from the Vote for the Worst website. Without any new news to report on the newest cast, they have been updating their readers with happenings to castmates from other seasons.

The newest big story is that Clay (”Get your dirty hands away from my wrinkled face!”) Aiken knocked some gal up. Only he didn’t do it the usual way… he used the Dixie Cup method. And I guess that little fact has all of his hardcore fans in an uproar. Here is just one quote VFTW had posted:

"I know it’s a different world, times are changing, etc…….but as I just told someone, I’m very old-fashioned (I mean, somebody who weaves things on a loom…who knew), and this is very upsetting to me. It may be time for me to really, seriously say goodbye to all this. Sorry , it’s just the way I feel right now."

More hot fan quotes at Vote for the Worst.

"You want me to put what where?"

What a lusty night!

2008-05-24T06:06:00.000-07:00

I went to the carnival tonight and fell in love with the guy who runs the Tilt-a-Whirl. Needless to say, after flirting over a couple of candy apples, we went back to his camper and hit the sheets. I don't want to brag, but I think I have enough material to pen my own trashy romance book. I'm gonna start working on it after dinner.

I already have my fake name picked out and the cover designed!

Betty Butterfield: Episcopal Understanding

2008-05-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

Betty Butterfield and her gorgeous sister, Bonita, talk about church and life. Praise be!

The Edible Anus

2008-05-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

Ooh La Lah. No, this isn’t a post about the wild and kinky sex act (which generally costs you extra), but a plug, uh, for a new type of candy: The Edible Anus. For real and true.

Does it make you a big slut if you eat the whole box by yourself?

Give her the gift of rosebuds!

Betty Butterfield on Sylvia Browne

2008-05-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

I love you, I tattoo you...

2008-05-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

I haven’t been paying too close attention to that whole Mariah Carey marriage story, because frankly I don’t care about Mariah Carey. But today I heard some gossip that it must really be a marriage that’s gonna last, because the bride and her groom exchanged tattoos to profess their love to the world.

You know, I think that is a dumb way to express True Love. You should just ask someone who’s made the same ~~mistake~~ decision.

I think that haircut was during the time Roseanne
worked at the Chicken Divine.

Sister Paula is fabulous

2008-05-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

The end of Wendy?

2008-05-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

I heard Arby's bought Wendy's and I just have to say, I’m a little irritated right now. I hope all my favorites won't be replaced by junk like Cheddar Melts and those boring “Market Fresh” sandwiches that are always modeled in plastic and on display on the counter. I mean, I can always meet my fast food needs at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Kiss this Wendy girl good-bye!

Neil Diamond's AMERICA

2008-04-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

Now I don’t want to be hating on that cute little “American Idol” boy, David Archuleta, who sang a randy rendition of Neil Diamond’s “America” on last night’s big show. We all have to be nice to him, because I read someplace that his dad locks him in a cage and even denies him water. I guess that’s why he licks his lips so much when he sings.

Anyhow, I guess he did OK (considering they have to condense their number down to 90 seconds), but how could you compare his performance to the amazing one by All The King’s Men back in 1981 on “The Stairway to Stardom” show? In case you haven’t seen it, it’s just like “American Idol,” but without all the product endorsements and the drunk/high female judge.

Betty Butterfield: Bible Study

2008-04-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

This is a big helping of Betty I have not seen before. I love the hair/hat/whatever she’s all pimped out in.

I do share my recipes!

2008-04-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

I won't go into the huge fiasco at church that erupted over accusations that I will not share my recipes, but I think the fact that I am sharing one here will settle any doubts. So get a pen and some paper:

TWO INGREDIENT CAKE:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees while giving a 9 by 13 pan a generous greasing. I use Crisco, as it's an all-purpose lube.
Dump a can of pumpkin in a big bowl.
Dump a box of spice cake mix on top of the pumpkin. By all means use Store Brand or Generic.
Stir until well mixed.
Dump batter into pan.
Bake 25-30 minutes in the preheated oven (or until the cake is done).
Cool & serve. Or refrigerate and eat it the next day. Allegedly it tastes even better day-old.

Picture of the pumpkin

Picture of the box of cake mix

The Virgin Mary Toast

2008-04-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

What rock was I living under when this whole Virgin Mary Toast story rolled around? I just now learned that some sexy mama (check the pic on the article) had been hoarding away this piece of toast that had – allegedly – the face of the blessed Virgin Mary burned into it. I wonder if she buttered it before she put it in the toaster. I don’t think one would see that kind of detail unless there was some kind of butter or partially hydrogenated oils involved during the toasting process.

"I went to take a bite out of it, and then I saw this lady looking back at me. I hollered for [my husband]. It scared me at first."

Lord, is she talking about eating breakfast, or a bad time at a swinging party? It’s not clear, to me, from that quote.

So anyhow, this lucky wombat got $28,000 (!!!) for this toast, when she sold it on Ebay.

Virgin Mary? It looks more like Debbie Harry to me

Joyce

2008-04-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

Check out this baby! Born Again disco queen Joyce hits the right chord with her first single, "I Get All Excited." You can really hear it in her voice!

Joyce is working the look

The amazing Leslie Hall

2008-03-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

Dark Lady

2008-03-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

The Illinois Cornflake

2008-03-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

Does the winner get the dime, too?

Wow, I just heard about the lucky plateheads who turned their cornflake shaped like the state of Illinois into a $1350 cash cow on Ebay. I can’t even believe it. I read that the buyer is some guy who wants to start a “collection of pop culture and Americana items.” Wow. I wonder how much he’d give me for my Pop Tart that has the image of “The Growing Pains” family burned into the underside?

"Show me that smile..."

I was almost an heiress

2008-03-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

Arlette, the woman who owns and manages The Dee-Lite M tel, where I live, is having a bad weekend.

I was in the office, buying some stuff from the vending machine, when she burst out: “Ramona. I’m dying. It’s the end. I’m in distress!”

I looked up with a suitable amount of concern in my eyes and listened as Arlette told a gross story about how she’d just turned her toilet bowl green. She then related that she was going to give herself “a mercy killing” to spare herself the long drawn-out demise that she was sure was coming. Right before she was about to run outside and suck on a car muffler, she grabbed a pen and prepared to sign over the m tel to me.

I went and blew the whole deal when I suggested that perhaps her bathroom malady was merely the end result of having ingested an entire two pound bag of black Twizzler licorice sticks in one sitting. I mean… all that dye… you do the math.

So I didn’t end up with the m tel, but Arlette gave me her other bag of Twizzlers. Oh thanks.

Could have all been mine...

Clay Aiken look-alike contest

2008-03-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

So by now you should know I am in Wheelie, MO for the annual Clay Aiken look-alike contest. Not only will the contest be a blast, but the $15 admission fee gets you a coupon for 50 cents off a small kettle corn!

Saw this contestant practicing for the talent portion
of the competition outside my motel

The Jesus Motel

2008-03-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

It's a real place, in Wheelie, Missouri! Talk about a beacon on the horizon for this road-weary traveler! And the Good News was this... if you tell the clerk you love the Lord, she knocks five bucks off the price. Of course, I think I spent about $3.50 in the gift shop, so the savings was not all that phenomenal.

The largest collection of plastic Jesus statues anyplace in the U.S.

Let us pray...

2008-03-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

Please join me in a prayer for this person, who recently found my blog through Google by typing in this:

"i dyed my hair and it all fell out"

Oh no.

"Oh Lord, it looks like I have crotchless underpants on my head…"

My new look

2008-03-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

I have been getting stares already

Boogie time!

2008-03-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

Lord Jesus, their moves are right up there with ABBA’s. And that entrance! I actually made a similar entrance once, at this bachelor party back in the late 80’s at The Sands. I was supposed to be delicately – yet sensuously – lowered on a trapeze, but one of the cords on the damn thing snapped and I fell 20 feet to the floor and landed just like the chick in this video. The crowd went nuts, but I think that was just because my tube top popped off when I hit the ground.

Leslie Hall on the radio

2008-03-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Check it out! Miss Leslie Hall – Keeper of the Gems – was on the radio.

"I am here to set the record straight… I am not a swinger…"

Sally Kern - Part 2

2008-03-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sally Kern

2008-03-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I saw this the other day and was appalled when I learned that I wasn’t listening to vintage footage of Anita Bryant. Remember her? She’s the anti-gay lady who got smacked in the face with a pie.

I can believe that in 2008 people still think like this woman, but it’s hard to fathom that they hold elected office and think remarks like these made in a public forum reflect the most important issues facing our nation at this time.

I think the first comment on the Youtube video perfectly sums up how I feel about this woman and what she said:

"Homosexuality is not an agenda, bigotry is. Homosexuality is not a choice, hate is. Homosexuality is not a threat, ignorance is.

This Oklahoma State Representative, to say the least, is bigoted, hateful, and ignorant." -Rashid from Kuwait

Now watch the video, if you haven’t already:

More about the Snack Food Rosie O'Donnell

2008-03-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

Did you see this on the Rosie blog, about the Snack Food Rosie O'Donnell?

I forgot to tell you, I emailed the artist. This is what I said:

"I am a huge fan of you and your artwork. I'm also a big fan of Rosie O'Donnell, and loved the portrait you did of her using snack foods. Can I ask... did she ever see the portrait in person? Does it still exist? Or did it get eaten? :)"

He wrote back. This is what he said:

"she just saw it. its dried out now."

Now, am I the only one who wants to see what the Dried Out Snack Food Rosie O’Donnell looks like??

Leslie Hall on Etsy

2008-03-06T23:24:00.000-08:00

Ooh La Lah. Everyone’s favorite Internet star, singer, crafter and gem keeper - Leslie Hall - has been featured on everyone’s favorite online hand-made arts and craft marketplace… Etsy!

Check out this fantabulous article, and drool all over the beautiful items, handpicked by Leslie!

"Oh Lord!"

Dollar Palace

2008-03-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

The love log

2008-03-04T20:09:00.000-08:00

So the other day I was browsing through some blog stuff and happened across this photo of a robed figure burned into the grain of a tree some guy cut down. It turns out it’s Jesus, but when I first saw the pic, I truly thought it was Julie Andrews, dancing around on the mountaintop at the opening of The Sound of Music. For real.

I hope someone will shellac this!

Here’s the real and true story of the Jesus log… and here’s a bit of trivia you may not have known about Miss Julie. While she was filming the very scene I just mentioned, the helicopter swooped in for the grand shot, drawing in closer as she twirled merrily in song. What you may not know is that each time the copter closed in on her, the tornado it kicked up knocked her flat on her ass. The hills weren’t too alive when that happened! That’s why you see the shot cut to a close up of Maria taken from the ground. Check it out if you don’t believe me:

The Sound of Music - Julie Andrews
by Shotgun-Pete

Betty Butterfield: Testimony

2008-02-28T22:17:00.000-08:00

I think I posted this before, but the original was removed from Youtube. So here it is again in all its glory…

My Dream

2008-02-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

I am visiting Beaver Butte, Ohio, and I had this dream last night about going back home to Las Vegas, so I made a little video about it:

Judge Judy, RuPaul... and Elvis

2008-02-21T23:37:00.000-08:00

So today I get an invite via email to appear on the “Judge Judy” show on TV. I didn’t recognize the party that they claim wants to sue me, but - let’s face it - I’m probably damn guilty of the charges. I’m sure the email’s a scam though. Just a hunch. I love Judge Judy, but I think I would pee my pants if I ever got up in front of her and she started yelling at me.

Judge Judy:
…when the robes come off

Pop star and giant drag queen RuPaul had a real life experience with Judge Judy, whom he loves (I read it in his blog). Check out what he had to say:

“once, on a plane that was boarding at kennedy airport and bound for hollywood, judge judith sheinlin sat right next to me. i could have shit my pants right then and there, but i played it cool and didn’t say a word. as they closed the door to the aircraft, judge judy tapped me and said “sir, i’m gonna take that empty window seat across the aisle and i want you to know that it’s not a reflection on you”. well, i just thought that was a very kind thing to do, even though i was disappointed that we didn’t sit together.”

Read the whole post. It's good.

The Three Faces of RuPaul.
(When I lived in Vegas,
I was only a One-Ho act…)

I had a similar “shared seat” celebrity encounter once, several years ago in Las Vegas. I went into a Post Office to pick up a package that some admirer of mine sent (he was a tourist from Nebraska who mailed me a whole box of corn on the cobs. Oh wow). Anyhow, the place was packed and I took my number and I had a looonnnng wait. So I took a seat next to this Elvis impersonator on this wooden bench. And after about three uncomfortable minutes, he spoke to me:

“Excuse me, please don’t take this the wrong way, but could you go stand over there? My ass is too fat for both of us to sit here.”

So not only were my arms tired from carrying that box of heavy corn, but I had sore legs as well. God I hate Elvis.

“Please move. Thankyou.
Thankyouverymuch.”

Betty Butterfield babbles

2008-02-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord...

Childhood flashback

2008-02-12T22:03:00.000-08:00

Someone sent me this clip as a ha-ha, but while watching it, it seriously and sincerely triggered a Bad Childhood Memory. Let me set the scene:

After my real and true Dad realized what a mess my Mom was, he took off. He remarried shortly thereafter and would send for my bad 5-year-old self during summer vacation, so I could spend a weekend with his new family. Now… his new wife, Shari, was seriously a demonic entity. She was always pulling shit and laughing it off, like it was a big joke… ha-ha. Like one time she had a yard sale and sold all of the clothes I had brought with me…. Another time she put chewed bubble gum in my hair (a whole pack, and packs were a LOT bigger back then) while I was sleeping, and then tied me to a chair while she cut all of the gum out. Jeeze, I looked like a troll doll for about three months after that.

Art-object rendering of what my
Kindergarten class picture looked like...

Anyhow, the worst thing Step-Mom Shari did was take me on a ride at the annual carnival. I didn’t want to go on it, but she dragged me on anyhow. She completely flirted with the ride operator (picture Axl Rose, only one-legged) and got us right on the ride despite the line. I don’t recall the name of the ride, but it looked like a giant silver electric mixer. She opened the latch on the bucket seat and threw me in like a sack of groceries, and then jumped in after me, clamping shut her seat belt.

Fearfully, I reached for my own belt, but I realized Shari was (intentionally) sitting on it. I screamed and begged and pleaded and screamed at the ride operator to not turn on the ride, but he just winked at me and shot that thing into motion. I don’t even want to describe the next four minutes of my young life, as I was whipped and thrown to and fro. I sincerely saw my life flash before my eyes, which – at that point in time – consisted of a half-assed birthday party, and a few Sunday School classes that I had been kicked out of.

Afterwards, Shari told me she had “no idea” the seat belt was underneath her thighs of death, but I knew she was lying. She left my Dad the following year and joined some religious commune out in Oregon. I never did find out what happened to that witch.

Anyhow, here’s the video which triggered such awful memories. And Shari… I hope someone throws you on a ride in your helpless old age and this is how it turns out for you. Scumbag.

Questions about life

2008-02-08T02:08:00.000-08:00

My roommate is rolling around on the floor groaning and and hugging her stomach, so since I can't sleep, I decided to do one of these question things.

Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
No, I was paid.

If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I would have charged $25 instead of $20, when I was turning tricks. Do you know how much extra money I would have saved up now? I can’t even think about it without getting sick to my stomach.

What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Amy Carter. Lord, whatever happened with her?

Favorite style of underwear?
It sounds sick, but I have to say the crotchless kind.

Do you like to entertain people at your house?
I used to charge extra for that.

Favorite thing to do at night with the opposite/same sex?
Get drunk and see what happens.

Have you found real love yet?
Yes, and he tried to kill me. Screw love.

When did you first start feeling old?
Age 12.

Your favorite lunch meat?
This sounds like a dirty question.

What do you get every time you go into Costco/Wal-Mart?
Hit on.

Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
I think it’s overpriced.

Do you own property?
Just some fake jewelry and a pair of flip-flops.

Favorite guilty pleasure?
Eating a whole jar of store-brand peanut butter.

Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
That one with Scott Baio.

What’s your drink??
Slurpees.

How many kids do you have?
Oh please, my eggs dried up long ago.

Indoors or Outdoors?
If this is a sex question, I have to go “outdoors.”

Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its actual purpose?
No, and I don’t recommend using it in a sexual scenario, no matter how much extra the guy swears he’ll pay you.

Book you want to read next?
How to Make Your Life Not Suck.

Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Fresno.

At this this point in your life, would you start a new career?
Sure. I’d like to be a vet, or work at Dollar General.

Have you ever been divorced?
No, but I’ve been listed as the cause for other divorces in official court papers.

Jolene Sugarbaker: Circus Peanut Salad

2008-02-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

Dirt from my past

2008-02-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

It’s funny what little random things will trigger memories I’ve suppressed for years. Tonight I logged into Myspace and had a comment from a little user called Sea Monkey. Suddenly I was flooded with a memory, of me as a kid and trying to make life hell for my younger half-sister (this was before she faked an accident and pretended to be partially retarded for the money/sympathy/etc).

An aunt I did not like (and who did not like me) showed up for a visit and gifted my sis with a Sea Monkey kit, which included a cheap plastic tank (with lid), water purifier, eggs and food. She was so excited about this tacky thing, that I was sick with jealousy. She followed all the steps and got the water ready for the big Egg Dump. Only… I swapped the contents of her egg packet with the contents of a packet of Quick Rise Dry Yeast.

Sis dumped that yeast into the little cheap tank and watched all goggle-eyed waiting for the Monkeys to hatch and start swimming around. Well, of course you know what happened. That yeast fizzed up and created a thick layer of brown scum on top of the tank. She knew something was seriously wrong, especially when I wandered over for a look and said “Well, I see you killed them.”

I guess I could have been a little kinder, and told her the truth about my actions, and given her hope that maybe she would have ended up with a tank of Mini Muffins or something. I know. I’m a dirt bag. That bitch fed that yeast for at least two weeks in hopes of those Sea Monkeys raising from the dead, but finally my mom flushed the whole works down the toilet.

This is how the switch went down

I got a free Arby's

2008-01-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

I didn’t win a contest or have a coupon or anything, I just walked into the store to see if they sell fish sticks, and they said no. But the gal behind the cash registered threw a thing wrapped in silver paper at me and said I could have it. For free. I would have asked for a drink, but she probably would have thrown that at my head too.

Anyhow, it was crispy (but no longer crispy), and had a Guinness Book of World Wide Records sized piece of lettuce on it. Now I’m worried I might have steroids poisoning. I kinda got gypped on the mayo, don’t you think?

Hmmmm

Election 2008 Commentary by Betty Butterfield

2008-01-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

This insightful commentary by the legendary Betty Butterfield seems to be the most intelligent thing I’ve heard so far on all this ongoing election shit. Praise be. Praise Betty.

Go Ra

2008-01-13T23:11:00.000-08:00

Oh look, Rosie posted my Ask Ro submission that I sent in to her, about her Marion Jones post:

Sorry I spelled your name wrong...

R.I.P.

2008-01-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

One of my duties as a real and true Rev. is sometimes I get asked to speak at a funeral. Of course, I usually just make up a prayer card and drop it in the mail and call that well and good enough.

Sorry you died!

Blond Ramona

2008-01-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

I finally got my blond hair transplants, just like Kathie Lee. I couldn't really afford them, but while I was over at Darla's Store of Discount Hair & Beauty, she broke down sobbing and told me she had been having an affair with my husband for years. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'd never been married (legally), so taking the generous discount for the transplants seemed like the only decent thing to do.

It itches, but it's worth it.

Betty Butterfield is back!

2008-01-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

2008-01-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

Nothing like ringing in the new year with one of those dumb Myspace Q&A....

JANUARY
Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
No, but once a square guy dropped his balls on me several times. He paid extra.

FEBRUARY
When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class?
I used to hand out those little hard crunch sugar hearts with the dirty sayings printed on them. This one time, I tripped and fell and they flew everyplace.

MARCH
Are you Irish?
No, but I used to have a $5 off coupon for Saint Patrick’s Day. Wasn’t that nice of me?

APRIL
Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone in 2007?
Yeah, I told Betty Nut the Dee-Lite M tel was going to be torn down and turned into a Hooters bar.

MAY
Finish the phrase “April showers…”:
“…means take an umbrella, but not one of those cheap dollar store ones, because the spokes will pop out the very first time you try to use it."

JUNE
What year did/will you graduate from high school?
Damn, I dropped out. I’m sure that’s a big surprise.

JULY
Did you go to the fireworks?
One-eyed Mary ran around with some sparklers. Does that count?

AUGUST
What was your favorite summer memory of 2007?
Finding a dollar on the bus.

SEPTEMBER
Anything happen this month?
Yes, I split town while running for my very life.

OCTOBER
What was your Halloween costume?
“Ugly Betty” costume from the Dollar Bin store.

NOVEMBER
Do you love stuffing?
If I get paid extra.

DECEMBER
Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
No, but I’ve “done business” under the bridge.